HOW TO TELL YOU'RE A GRINCH
Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00
* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
* You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
* Your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
* Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
* Your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata.
* You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
* You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
* Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
* Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
* You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
* Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
* You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
* Your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.
* Your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir (Red Neck version).
* Your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn ornaments with egg nog.
* Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
* You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.
* You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends.
* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.
* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.
* You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own.
* After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.
* You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.