YOU MIGHT WORK IN THE ER IF...
Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 November 1999 00:00
* You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
* Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
* You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
* You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?"
* You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.
* You have ever issued a "dead head alert."
* You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet."
* Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
* You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
* The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is, "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"
* You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"
* When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.
* You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.
* You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.
* You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.
* You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope.
* You want to order a "dumbshit profile".
* You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.
* You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."
* You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.
* Your patient states, " I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
* You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
* Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
* You find humor in other people's stupidity.
* You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
* You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
* You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
* When a patient presents you with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
* Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.
* You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
* You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
* You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
* You plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
* You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
* You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.
* You refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
* Your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
* You believe chocolate is a food group.
* When someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
* When you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
* You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
* You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
* You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge".
* You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
* You refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
* Your idea of a really good time is Dueling Shock Rooms.
* You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
* You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
* You have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.